Quiet

I am finding my way in spiritual terms, and I am not currently in "blogging about it" mode.

Starting to explore the site: www.buddhanet.net, as well as various other spiritual websites, including many personal blogs on spiritual themes.  More links can be found on: http://paulapuddephatt.tripod.com. 

I wrote a short poem, in the build up to this year's Winter Solstice.  I just posted it on: www.paulapoems.blogspot.com.  It also appears on: http://paulapuddephatt.tripod.com/poetry and I posted it on Tumblr.  It was written spontaneously, and didn't go through any real editing process.  It expresses deep emotions, a sense of spirituality, a moment captured - was written in a morning after very little sleep.  I feel that the poem refers to my feelings about the moon goddess Rhiannon.  I have talked about Rhiannon in previous blog posts.

That is all for now.  Blessed be. xxx

Defining question

First of all, I know that a lot of people are confused about Quaganism, or Quaker/Paganism.  Quakerism does have its roots in Christianity, and Orthodox, Conservative Quakers would be traditionally Christian in terms of beliefs, including faith in The Trinity.  There is certainly much emphasis in Quaker literature on the teachings of Jesus.  It would tend to be the style of worship and the interpretation of the teachings of Jesus that would be very different for Christian Quakers, as compared to, say, Roman Catholics, Anglicans or Methodists - or any other mainstream Christian church.  Liberal Quakers are much more diverse in terms of beliefs, but would still relate to the same Quaker approach and appreciate the simplicity of the Quaker style of worship.  Pacifism is a core value of Quakerism, although some Quakers have even moved away from this - and it is the shared values which unite Quakers with very different views on many issues.  Within Liberal Quakerism, Pagan and Buddhist values and beliefs actually fit beautifully.  And, for people with Pagan or Buddhist (or other) beliefs, but who find the rituals difficult or don't relate to them for some reason, there can be a place - a spiritual home - with The Quakers.  There are many more reasons why people relate to Quakerism though, and it is such a big subject that it is difficult to know where to start.

Now, I am going to talk more about where I am at personally, right now.  The defining question is: To what extent do I feel Quagan, as opposed to Wiccan, based upon my beliefs and emotions, who I am inside and my relationship with The Divine?  And to what extent am I simply unable to cope with the rituals of the Wiccan religion due to factors ranging from dyspraxia, agoraphobia and OCD, to my psychological "hang-ups" (if they are to be viewed as such) regarding aspects of Wicca, and Paganism generally, such as "sky-clad worship"?

On the one hand, I have this obsession with, and need for, a spiritual identity, and the need/desire to "belong" somewhere - to have a religion, a specific, recognised spiritual path.  I am torn between this and a resistance to conformity of any kind, to being labelled or labelling myself - a need for individuality.  I am searching, ultimately, for an entirely authentic relationship with The Divine. 

I don't know if I am expressing myself clearly or not, but I want to keep trying.  It helps.  If reading this helps anyone else too, then that's even better.

I am still not technically a Quaker and haven't been to Meeting for some time now, but that is mainly due to health and practical reasons.  I do want to go back again, at some point.  My late grandparents (dad's side) were actively involved in The Quakers.  (They were Christian Quakers, though.)  My dad and his brother and sister were all birthright Quakers (a practice which has since been discontinued), but only my uncle ever became active within The Quakers, and he has since ceased to be involved in Quakerism.  I was Christened in the Anglican Church, but not raised "in the church", as it were - although my primary school did teach from a C. of E./Methodist Christian perspective.  I only really got involved in Quakerism personally after my intense experiences with the LDS/Mormon and Anglican churches, and Beliefnet.com etc, in 2007/08.

Anyway, I'll leave it there for now.  I could ramble endlessly about all of this, but I think that this, as a blog post, is starting to lose direction and focus.  Thank you to anyone who takes the time and trouble to read my words.  Blessed be.  xxx

I'm still here!

Please be patient.  I really do plan to develop this blog.  I just feel that Quagan blogs are important, because blogging seems to be the main way in which Quagans communicate right now.  I did put a post on a UK group on PaganSpace about Quaganism, but I don't suppose that anyone will answer.  So are all other Quagans in the USA?  I don't know.  It feels that way.  I don't even know if I'm a Quagan at all some days.  I don't know anything some days.

I'm thinking and feeling so much right now, but I can't begin to express any of it.  I remember reading a poem in the small press years ago.  The poet (don't remember who) was talking about all the things that he'd wanted to say to his other half or ex - not sure on any of the specifics now - but I can just remember that the poem ended: "...I didn't know where to begin, so I didn't."  My first instinct was that it was a stupid line, but I came to the conclusion that it wasn't at all.  It has stayed with me all these years, after all.  "I didn't know where to begin, so I didn't."  That is me, on just about every level!!!

Anyway, I'll leave it there for now.  Blessed be.  :-)

Cherry picking?

So, there are still aspects that I love about both Wicca and Quakerism, and parts which I'm not sure are "for me".  Is that what my husband would call "cherry picking"?  Or, to use another term - "spiritual shopping"?  Or is it spiritual honesty?  Is it actually wrong to "cherry pick"?  Wicca, Quakerism - and I am reading up on Buddhism, too...

Anyway, I need to read more, and make time to meditate.  I need to feel for the answers and find my own way.

OCD and being Pagan/Wiccan

I felt sad after writing my last post that I used the words: "I'm not Wiccan and never will be."  That seemed too final. 

I do feel that I am being specifically tested - which isn't the perfect word, but the best the I can come up with, at the moment - with regard to the OCD vs Pagan/Wiccan faith thing, especially with regard to my obsessions with hygiene. 

I'm also not sure now if my Pagan/Wiccan beliefs scare me in some respects, and maybe I'm using Quakerism as a "safety net" - maybe even my OCD and dyspraxia, too.  But then I also think that I'm thinking too much, and losing my true spirituality in the process.  I need to meditate, and try to feel for the answers.  If you read this, please send me positive healing energy.  I really need that right now.

OCD and being Quaker/Pagan

So, okay, I've dealt with being a dyspraxic, candle-phobic Pagan, and I thought that that was big.  It isn't really though, because I'm Quagan, not Wiccan.  I'm deeply influenced by Wicca, but I'm not Wiccan and I never will be.  But, anyway, I still aim to live by the Wiccan Rede, and to me, that's the most important part.  I mean, "An ye harm none, do as ye will" - who can argue with that?  It's beautiful and it's true.

Anyway, the OCD - now that is bigger - especially the hygiene obsessions.  How can you hold Quaker/Pagan beliefs and values and then do totally the opposite?  I feel disconnected from Mother Earth because I am afraid to touch Her.  The whole eco thing is a problem, and it's hard to instantly overcome it.  Yes, I know that washing your hands every five minutes, using tumble driers, using vast quantities of cleaning wipes, etc are all totally wrong.  And I can go on about the fact that I don't drive or go on foreign holidays and various other things, but that's not really the point.  The things is: guilt.  When I was into going to LDS and C. of E. churches, and into Christianity (apart from the fact that I always believed in the female Divine, etc), guilt was such a massive thing for me.  Repentance - yes, in a way, that was perfect for me, because I want to punish myself constantly for not being good enough and messing up throughout my life.  I like that Quakerism and Paganism doesn't have the same emphasis on guilt - but then I have all these issues, and I think that really I have as much Quaker guilt and Pagan guilt as I ever had Christian guilt, and I don't want to go into that.  I want to fight my OCD and I want to fight my guilt feelings, too.  Regretting the past is unavoidable, but I just have to dwell on it less.  And stuff that I know I'm still doing wrong in my life, I need to work towards correcting or improving.  Who is perfect, anyway?

I hope that I will go back to Quaker meetings eventually.  That is still one of my ambitions.  But I'm not so sure that Pagan Quakers go down well in Basingstoke, UK.  I just know that I believe what I believe and I'm proud of what I believe, so I guess that they either accept me as I am or they don't - but, anyway, that is a whole issue in itself, which maybe I'll return to in a future blog post.

Am I really a Pagan???

Following on from my "Am I really a Quaker?" post...

So, am I really a Pagan?  I don't know.  I mean, for a start, I'm dyspraxic.  Candle magick and dyspraxia - not the best combination.  Can you be Pagan or/and Wiccan if you can't do candle magick?  Well, I guess I'm not great on religious rituals, anyway - which is probably, in part, where the Quaker side of things comes in for me.  This is all so hard to explain because there are so many aspects to everything, and I don't know where to start, so I apologise if this isn't the greatest blog post ever.

I believe in God and Goddess, angels, faeries, animal spirit guides - and I feel connected to The Divine in my own way, but I guess that I don't entirely fit in anywhere. 

I have used oracle cards.  I own Tarot cards too, but got put off early on, because the first card I ever drew for myself was The Devil, and even though I know that there are positive and constructive aspects to that Tarot card, I have such a problem with the whole Devil concept - you know???

I haven't even touched upon my experiences with the C. of E. and LDS/Mormon churches yet.  I guess that I'll discuss all of that eventually.  Like I said, it's just so hard to know where to start - it really is.  But I want to do this - and I kind of need to do this, in a way.  I just feel like this is the direction I'm being drawn towards.  I've been so inspired by other Quagan blogs, and if reading my ramblings can help even one person to feel less isolated, then it will be worth it.

Is there anyone out there - anyone at all - who has ever had the surreal feeling of being in the middle of a church service at LDS church, thinking about Wicca and Buddhism???????  I can't begin to explain it...

Funny thing is, it's much harder to talk about this in prose form than to write poetry about it.  I've talked about it on forums, but that's different.  That's so-and-so says something and so-and-so responds, but just trying to say this stuff - will I get better at this, I wonder???

The Wiccan Rede

"An ye harm none, do as ye will."  I know that there are various versions of the full poem, but that is the important part: the Wiccan Rede.  I'm not really Wiccan, but I'm influenced, and deeply inspired, by Wicca.  And I absolutely love the Wiccan Rede.  It is simple, beautiful, powerful and just so true.