Free Spirit Paula: Crying at work

Free Spirit Paula: Crying at work: This is a link to an excellent feature on Radio 4, in which a subject is discussed, which is very close to my heart.  I do have personal exp...

This blog

I hope to start updating this blog again soon!  Sorry for the lack of recent activity.

Blessed be. x

Dreams and finches

I recently had a dream about two star finches.  We lost our star finch, Eric, in 2010.  I have come to realise that one of our zebra finches, Stuart - our longest-term, probably oldest, resident bird - is struggling.  Stu's firm best friend, for years, was Eric - and I begin to see the significance of my recent dream - which did also manage to cover various other issues/factors - current worries - which I can't, and won't, discuss on this blog, or anywhere else - and it would be too hard to know where to start, in any case.

I can only say that I have changed so much inside, spiritually and emotionally, since leaving Reading in October 2000, at not quite twenty-seven years of age, with Colin, my then-boyfriend (husband since March 2001).  At the moment, I feel that I have come to a crossroads, and all of the options look very, very scary and uninviting.  So I am sitting in the middle of the road at present, and hoping not to get hit by just about every passing vehicle.  Most won't change direction in order to avoid hitting me, so I can only jump out of the way at the last minute, or wait to be knocked down, and hope that my injuries will not be fatal.

Does that make sense as a blog post?  I don't really know, but I hope that it does.  I needed to at least try to express my feelings.  Not an easy task right now!

New title!

This blog has a new title.  I felt that "Reflections of the Quagan Poet" was no longer quite right.  I am currently avoiding labels, such as "Quaker", "Quagan" and "Pagan".  I feel that all labels are restrictive and limiting.  I don't require them, at this point in my spiritual journey.  Earlier in the year, I altered my "Religious views" on Facebook, from "Quagan" to "Spiritual but not religious".

"Imperfect Expressions" is the title of one of my poems.  The poem is about my relationship with the goddess Rhiannon.  I realised last night that it would make a good title for the blog.

The URL will not change.  I have tried to change blog URLs before, and Blogger won't allow it.  I would have to delete the blog and start again, which I don't wish to do - so, the URL will still be www.quagan.blogspot.com. 

Peace and blessings. xxx

Quagan Label, Sparkey and my Flat-bound Months

I don't currently feel that I am comfortable with the "Quagan" label.  I don't feel that I fit in anywhere spiritually, or even want to - but my beliefs remain powerful.  I just don't fit in with any of the "clubs", and I don't believe that I ever will.

I am very sad to announce that we lost Sparkey budgie today.  I don't want to discuss it, as I have kind of done that already, with a few friends on Facebook.  I don't have the emotional strength to "go there" again.

I suppose I just felt that it was time to "check in" again - update this increasingly neglected spiritual blog of mine.

I am not leaving the flat at present, or talking to/dealing with anyone, apart from Colin - except for online (Facebook, etc), which is my lifeline.  This has been since the start of November, or at least that was when the "final crash" came.  I talk more about this on my other blog: www.paulablogaboutnothing.blogspot.com.  I don't really use the blog.com one much anymore, which was my original "general purpose blog".  Anyway, I did at least manage to stand outside today in the back garden, and watch my husband bury our feathered baby.  That really is a big deal, too - which demonstrates how crazy the situation has got!  I know that I need to break the cycle and, once I do, hopefully...I just wish that my tummy problems would improve as those, combined with the mental health issues, seem to conspire to stop me breaking out of "my own cell", as Alanis describes it in "These Excuses".

Anyway, sending love, peace and blessings.  Thank you for reading this.  xxx

Happy New Year!

Wishing you all a happy and peaceful 2012.

Love and blessings,

Paula.
xxx

Quiet

I am finding my way in spiritual terms, and I am not currently in "blogging about it" mode.

Starting to explore the site: www.buddhanet.net, as well as various other spiritual websites, including many personal blogs on spiritual themes.  More links can be found on: http://paulapuddephatt.tripod.com. 

I wrote a short poem, in the build up to this year's Winter Solstice.  I just posted it on: www.paulapoems.blogspot.com.  It also appears on: http://paulapuddephatt.tripod.com/poetry and I posted it on Tumblr.  It was written spontaneously, and didn't go through any real editing process.  It expresses deep emotions, a sense of spirituality, a moment captured - was written in a morning after very little sleep.  I feel that the poem refers to my feelings about the moon goddess Rhiannon.  I have talked about Rhiannon in previous blog posts.

That is all for now.  Blessed be. xxx

So confused

I feel so confused about my spiritual beliefs at present.  I will update this blog soon, but I need to think some more first.  I feel kind of lost, you know?

Anyway, I hope to experience more clarity soon.

Love and blessings to you all. xxx

Faith

My faith is very strong right now, but I also have so many questions and am confused about my theological beliefs and direction.

I do feel that I am being guided by both God, my Heavenly Father, and Mother Goddess.  I feel emotional - and often extremely distressed - but I also experience moments of such intense peace.  I have been blessed.  I am very unwell at the moment, physically and mentally, but I am very grateful for my spiritual faith - which is all that keeps me going at times.

What is a Quaker, let alone a Quagan?

A friend, earlier this year, asked me what religion I was - hmmm, always a hard one.  I started to attempt explaining that I was kind of Quaker Pagan, but I could tell that he wasn't really listening or receptive.  He thought that The Quakers had re-written The Bible.  He had this idea fixed in his mind, so arguing wasn't worthwhile or productive.  Then he insisted that Quakers were "British Mormon Christians", but. the word "pagan" also seemed to register, so I was also duly asked whether I was a "heathen".  And his final verdict?  I'm a "Quaker Mormon Christian heathen", of course!!!  Not bad, actually...

I don't worry too much.  My clinical psychologist called after that, and left a really weird message.  So who is craziest, anyway???  I'll live with "Quaker Mormon Christian heathen"...:-)

Feeling spiritually lost

I always feel low, and spiritually confused, at this time of year.  :-(

I have been reading a book on Buddhism, which is interesting and inspiring, but it can be hard to hold the ideas and positive energy in my heart and mind.

I will leave it there for now.  Don't forget to check out: www.paulapoems.blogspot.com and http://paulapuddephatt.tripod.com/poetry.

Blogger drives me crazy sometimes!

I have started up new blogs for my fiction (short stories and a novel).  So far so good, but for some reason, some of the paragraphs don't, and won't, end where I want them to.  Even on my new poetry blog, I have had to accept that some of the poems don't visually "show" the same as the others, no matter how many times I try to ask for consistent fonts, font colours, etc.  Stress!

Sorry - this hasn't got much to do with spirituality, has it?  I know that normally I try to keep this blog for spiritual subjects, as opposed to my general blog (www.paulap.blog.com).  To be honest, it's a case of laziness/convenience, as I was already on Blogger.  I could set up a general blog on here, but that would mean effectively "scrapping" the blog.com one.  There are Pros and Cons, but I don't like the "all eggs in one basket" aspect, and also sometimes Google/Blogger is frustrating to use.

Anyway, check out: www.paulapoems.blogspot.com or/and http://paulapuddephatt.tripod.com/poetry. 

Why can't I "follow" blogs anymore?

I don't mean ones I follow already, but new ones or ones I have only just discovered.  I don't want to go via Google Friend Connect, Yahoo, etc.  I don't understand any of that stuff - way too involved for me!!!  You used to just click on "Follow" at the top of the page.

Aw, well...Whatever! x

Been working on my new blog!

I now have a poetry blog at: www.paulapoems.blogspot.com, in addition to my poetry website at: http://paulapuddephatt.tripod.com/poetry.  There are Pros and Cons of using a Tripod free site vs using a blog, and I figure that I am better off using both, so that I benefit from the positive aspects of each method and hopefully reach more readers.

Poetry helps me so much.  It sounds OTT to say that poetry has saved my life at times, but I truly believe that it has.  Poetry - like all art forms, and all that is beautiful in this life - is a gift from The Divine - from the gods and goddesses.

Blessed be. x

It's been a year...

and I don't forget.

I looked up Stacey's Facebook page.  It's still there.  I started to look at it.  I don't know, it doesn't achieve much now, to look.  It just hurts.  I miss her so much and I have regrets.  I don't really know if I've written too many poems about her.  Is it too obsessive?  I don't know.

It is weird that Stacey died the day after Colin's birthday and a few days after my own (and so much was happening to us on that same day last year - ie: marriage nearly breaking up...)  Stacey's elder daughter told us a month and ten days later - ouch.  I don't know how I feel about anything anymore, and 2011 was such a difficult year, in just more ways than I can express.

I only met Stacey in 2008.  I wish that I'd met her sooner.  I wish that I hadn't found it so hard to get out and about and see her once I finished at the hospice shop.  I wish that I'd done more, in so many ways and on so many levels.

But I know that life is eternal, and I feel that Stacey is still here with me.  I can't say too much more.  I guess that I've said enough - probably too much, knowing me.

Correction!

www.paulapoems.blogspot.com is the URL!!!!!! xxx

Finally!

I am starting work on my poetry blog (after many false starts!)  Please check out: www.paulapoem.blogspot.com.  There is only one poem on the new blog right now, but it's a start - and now that my NetBook is up and running, in addition to Colin's and my PC, internet access should be easier!!!

Also, don't forget to check out my Tripod poetry site: http://paulapuddephatt.tripod.com/poetry, which I regularly update.

Blessings to you all! xxx

taken from Michele Knight's latest newsletter

We are here to love and we do love.  We love people, pets, places, possessions, jobs – all sorts of things.  The Buddha said that the pain of loving and losing is part of the human condition, and that our spiritual journey is to learn to love without attachment.  We can’t not love.  So all we can do is learn to love and let go.

 So what can we love when everything is in a constant process of change?  We can love life itself.  We can love all of its cycles, gifts and challenges.  We can fall in love with our own mystical life force that is a reflection of the energy at work across the entire universe.

Struggling

See my other blog: http://www.paulap.blog.com/.

I have also been updating http://paulapuddephatt.tripod.com/poetry.

I have been researching the goddess Ariadne online, to some extent - interested initially because of her apparent influence on the poet Sylvia Plath.

I still pray to Rhiannon, when I can motivate myself to do so, and I did use my fairy oracle cards again yesterday.  The "Be Yourself" and "Pregnancy" cards came up again - plus a birthday related one and it is my birthday on 6/11.  I do wonder where the fairies are coming from.  It is getting very hard to "keep the faith" right now.  I feel so sad and unstable.  I also have ongoing physical health problems, still.  But see my other blog...

Just briefly...

Sorry for the lack of recent blog posts.  Back soon-ish - hopefully!  See http://www.paulap.blog.com/.  Love and peace to you all! x